Leaving Shame Behind: My Journey as an AuDHD Burnout Recovery Coach

Burnout Recovery
Written By Kaylyn Kirkpatrick

April is Autism Acceptance Month (when I published this article). It’s a time to celebrate neurodiversity, amplify autistic voices, and challenge outdated stereotypes. It also feels like the right time to share something personal:

I’m an AuDHD person, meaning I have co-occurring Autistic and ADHD traits.

These are not flaws or disorders to be "fixed" or “cured” — they are natural neurodevelopmental differences. Yet, in a society that often defines "success" by standards of productivity, conformity, and output, being wired differently can quickly become disabling to many neurodivergent people (Autistic or otherwise). In fact, being a disabled person is a natural form of human diversity and when people experience difficulties due to their disability, then an important responsibility of society is to explore better ways to accommodate these needs.

“When we say “Autistic person,” we recognize, affirm, and validate an individual’s identity as an Autistic person...Ultimately, we are accepting that the individual is different from non-Autistic people–and that that’s not a tragedy, and we are showing that we are not afraid or ashamed to recognize that difference.”
— Autistic Self Advocacy Network

And no, there is not an “Autism epidemic.” We're simply getting better at recognizing the broad, diverse ways that autistic and ADHD traits show up in real life — especially among women, AFAB (assigned female at birth) individuals, and people who previously went unnoticed because they didn’t fit outdated stereotypes of boys obsessed with trains.

I recognize my privilege in optionally sharing an invisible disability. I am white, in a heterosexual marriage, hold a graduate degree, and have the flexibility to work from home — all of which ease some barriers that many autistic and marginalized individuals still face daily. I want to honor that reality.

At the same time, I know firsthand the hidden psychological stress that can build up when you move through the world undiagnosed and unsupported. I was finally diagnosed at the age of 36 after a period of chronic stress, anxiety, and burnout—though it was certainly not my first cycle through these patterns of dysregulation.

Embracing My Autistic Identity

For years, I masked my challenges through overachieving, people-pleasing, and minimizing my daily struggles. I worked hard to appear "fine" on the outside, even as I was unraveling internally. People said I was nice and seemed to benefit from my performance, which only further encouraged my masking tendencies. Like many Autistics with a High Masking Phenotype (a term coined by Dr. Megan Anna Neff) who are highly empathetic (which has its own challenges by the way), I had developed sophisticated strategies for blending in.

All of this compensation and suppression however comes at a cost.

What this led to was a cycle of perfectionism, burnout, and profound disconnection from myself. External stressors would become internalized as I tried to appear calm and maintain a sense of control. This pattern of behavior was so habitual, that I was masked even to myself (which proved to be a curious encounter when my therapist eventually asked if I thought, just maybe, I “might be Autistic?”).

And if I couldn’t be honest even with myself, then how could I show up authentically for other people in my life? It was a total values wrestling match and this contradiction is what eventually sparked my journey of embracing my own Autistic identity.

“Refusing to perform neurotypicality is a revolutionary act of disability
justice. It’s also a radical act of self-love. But in order for Autistic people to
take our masks off and show our real, authentically disabled selves to the
world, we first have to feel safe enough to get reacquainted with who we
really are. Developing self-trust and self-compassion is a whole journey
unto itself.”
— Dr. Devon Price, Unmasking Autism

I felt a constant sense of shame: Why couldn't I just keep up? Why couldn't I "toughen up"? Why did everything feel so overwhelming when it seemed so easy for others? Did everybody else get home from school or work and need to completely disengage from the world to recharge? Did other people frequently rehearse conversations in their head, beforehand to play out safe scenarios or afterwards to make sure they didn’t say anything awkward? Did my friends and colleagues also regularly monitor their body language and make sure their facial expression was conveying the appropriate information to connect and relate?

It turns out that a lot of things I coined as “typical” efforting were in fact not, and the over-exertion to perform helped explain why I felt so drained after certain social encounters (especially if it was small talk and not related to a special interest of mine).

Discovering my neurodivergence has been a process — and it's still unfolding. But with each layer of understanding, I’ve been able to leave a little more shame behind in exchange for more self compassion. One of the positive outcomes from this self-discovery process is that I’m learning to honor what I need, even if it looks different from what society expects.

My Journey Fuels My Work

I believe we go on these journeys for a reason. At the very least, in my own experiential and healing process I’ve gained knowledge and made meaning that may be beneficial to others. I’m excited to share and be of service. You could say that one of my new special interests is neurodiversity, and specifically masked Autistic and ADHD experience.

Now, as a Neurodivergent Coach, I am motivated to help sensitive, high-achieving, and neurodivergent professionals reconnect with their true rhythms, find sustainable ways to thrive, and rebuild self-trust. I have spent my entire life navigating the world with an unseen disability and in the process I’ve developed tools, relationships, resources, and most importantly empathy for those walking a similar path.

I’ve come a long way already, and my own healing journey continues, as does integration of my Autistic identity. But one thing is for sure: I cannot separate myself from my Autistic identity. It is essential to who I am and how I see and exist in the world.

In case it helps, here are a few things I’ve learned along the way:

  • You have inherent worth.

  • You do not have to perform, push, or prove yourself to be of value.

  • You can curate a life that supports more of what you need.

If you’re a perfectionist, overachiever, or sensitive soul carrying invisible burdens — whether you're neurodivergent or not — I want you to know: You are not alone. I care deeply about your well-being, and I’m here to support you.

Thank you for being part of this journey with me.

“As the neurodiversity movement gains momentum and a shift towards viewing neurotypes through a diversity lens emerges, we are moving away from perceiving conditions like autism and ADHD solely as pathological disorders and embracing them as identities...By expanding our understanding to recognize autism as a neurotype, a distinct way of being, and an identity, we create space to celebrate Autistic culture and embrace the Autistic brain style differences. ”
— Dr. Megan Anna Neff, Neurodivergent Insights

Autism Support Resources

While this list is incomplete, I am sharing some resources that I’ve found to be helpful. May they serve as a starting point or complement to your experience and education around Autism and the experiences of Autistic people.

Kaylyn Kirkpatrick
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